Tuesday, March 18, 2003

W.A. B. ain't for me.

How sad.
C.S. Lewis on Christianity and sexual pleasure.

"Christianity is almost the only one of the great religions which thoroughly approves of the body - which believes that matter is good, that God Himself once took on a human body, that some kind of body is going to be given to us even in Heaven and is going to be an essential part of our happiness, our beauty, and our energy. Christianity has glorified marriage more than any other religion: and nearly all the greatest love poetry in the world has been produced by Christians. If anyone says that sex, in itself, is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once."

Monday, March 10, 2003

A few of my favorite sex laws, some breakable, some absurd, and some best left untouched.

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.I think the situation is the same in Alabama. In fact, the practice has even been insitutionalized through the formation of sororoties.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

"Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.Boys, I am truly sorry about this judicial negligence. Fight for your right to a free erection.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.The beginnings of foot fetishism.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera. Brilliant. Welfare-to-workfare in action.

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

In Krakow, Poland it's not only a crime to have sex with animals, but three-time offenders are shot in the head.Don't get me started on Krakow....

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.The thought of radishes has never been less tempting.

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."I love it! So, wait a minute, is a chaste woman a self-dubbed "chaste woman". Consider me chaste...

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification."

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against heterosexual fellatio, cunnilingus, anal sex and the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C. Pitiful.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."Kinky.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. Guess that eliminates the old Clinton cigar-trick.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.A problem I never imagined...

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. Beautiful.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
Understanding noise.

Ian Simmons talks to Jacques Attali, author of Noise. Attali's other books include Anti-economique, L'ordre cannibal, Economie de I'Apocalypse and Millennium: Winners and Losers in the Coming World Order. He was special advisor to François Mitterrand, and advised the United Nations General Secretary on nuclear proliferation. He founded and served as president of the European Bank for Reconstruction and Development and, in 1984, founded the Eureka new technologies program. He is chairman of A&A, an investment bank and which specialises in information technology. But is he the man to lead us to the bottom of noise? Perhaps the question suffers from the same excess subjectivity as the potential response.
Men with whom I would like to mix genes.

Adrien Brody.

Adrien Brody.

And Adrien Brody.

Come to think of it, Brody resembles my cousin, Filip Pitaru, a little bit. Maybe the genes are closer than I think...
The White Stripes.....

Talk about their new album, "the death of the sweetheart", and other fine topics.
Things To Tell Your Next Lover by Susan Taylor

Most of the nerve endings on your clitoris are on the left side.
Your G spot seems to be about two inches in, slightly to the right.
There is nothing worse than breaking rhythm, unless it's doing it too hard.
You like your coffee with lots of milk.
You hate to be kissed before you brush your teeth.
Your feet are always cold.
You like to kiss with the taste of wine still in your mouth.
You like to have your nipples circled, slowly, with a fingertip or tongue.
You don't enjoy having your butt touched, at all.
You don't like sharing the shower.
You stretch gently in response to having your neck stroked.
You hate having your navel touched.
You always stop to pet cats on the street.
You don't refill the ice cube trays.
Sometimes you look like you're listening, but you're not.
You aren't good at it but sometimes you lie anyway.
Someday, the two of you will run into me somewhere, at the movies or just leaving a restaurant as you're entering it, and I will still know all these things about you. And both you and your next lover will know that I do, by the way that I smile.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

In the world of the classified and ossified...

The declassification of a few new papers is always exciting. There is nothing quite like slicing open the envelope and finding that all the verbs and proper names have been blacked-out. Alas, the historian must interpret the skeleton. A juicy new batch ripe for the interpreting.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Privacy perverts.

An excellent article by Neil Davenport on the perversion of privacy.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

The rock has a soul.

As life and satire inch closer together, to paraphrase Radley, Ellen Parker's short, "Hell: An Autobiography", carves its own niche in the sizzle of anthropomorphizing literary trends.

Karen Shepard's short story, "Popular Girls", has a disgusting protagonist that shares my name.

Dr. Jane Alexander Stewart reviews the film Personal Velocity.
What's in a bag? A revelation by any other name would taste as sweet.
How time changes when the hands on the clock are no longer your own.

Friday, February 14, 2003

"Skipping the State" by Marilyn Krysl

Know I did not speak ill of you
when you left me weeping and pregnant
in the suburbs, for that girl with spiked hair
and a tongue ring. I have not defaulted
on the mortgage, or revealed to your enemies
your smoldering secret—how you liked it
when I pretended to have betrayed you with Robert
and you turned on the spit of minor-league jealousy,
the kind with no penalty, since you knew I was
faking. Nor in regard to naughtier longings
did I turn loquacious, nor list for other women

your shortfalls. Grant me, then, the child-support
payments, which, after all, result from your indulgence and my gullibility, trusting that things you said
in private might be taken literally. Forgetting,
under the spell of your rhetoric, that declarations
men make while inside women
will be retroactively rescinded

on withdrawal. Though you, of all people, had the temerity
to question my fidelity—believe me, the child
is ours. In honor, then, of our son's innocence,
rise, please, to this fiduciary occasion.

Beautiful ideas for hotel bathrooms...

Radley's list and my additions.

So the search for the best love songs continues. And for a music-lover like myself, it becomes all too easy to get wrapped up in the nostalgia of a life lived to the tune of love songs. I wholeheartedly agree with the songs Radley added, but particularly the two that follow.

Nick Cave and Johnette Nopalitano, "The Ship Song" -- "I must remove your wings, and you, you must learn to fly..." Cave's creepy barritone and Nopalitano's angelic cry mingle with rapturous results.
Absolutely. The most amazing part-- losing your innocence, or exchanging one faith for another.

Bob Dylan, "Just Like a Woman" -- Speaking of Dylan, I guess I'd pick this one if I had to choose just one, by a hair over "Most of the Time." Like most of his bests, it's beautiful in its simplicity. "She makes love just like a woman,/But she breaks just like a little girl." Did a man ever understand a woman better than Dylan?

Now I will venture into the realm of the unspoken secret shames-- ah yes, the cock rock realm, and everything thereafter. So whip out your pleather pants, your yearbooks, and forget about what you're supposed to be doing.

Love is a battlefield by Pat Benatar-- "We are strong-- no one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our hearts for so long...both of knowing... love is a battlefield. Believe me believe me but I can't tell you why-- I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your sigh." Reminds me of first love-- defiant, rebellious, refusing to concede to anything like "wisdom". Thank you for that, Martin Kennedy. Love has never been as mad, as tempestuous, or as extreme since.

Patience by Guns N Roses-- I won't even quote this one. Let's just assume everyone has a secret place for this tune.

Crash by Dave Matthews-- "I'm bareboned and crazy for you, when you come crash into me... and I come into you, in a boy's dream..Hike up your skirt a little more, show the world to me. Oh, hike up your skirt a little more, show your world to me". So much to say about this song, and how it unravels every defense, unblocks every expectation. "Tied up and twisted" the way love leaves you, hungry and longing, so beautiful. I remember listening to this song with someone on a train through Europe, so happy in my chains, as small tears rolled down my cheek. This is what makes life worth the sometimes-pain.

Romeo and Juliet by the Dire Straits-- "Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start. And then you exploded into my heart....When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?....I dreamed your dream for you, but now your dream is real. How can you look at me as if I were just another one of your deals? You can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold..... I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you...And all I do is miss you, and the way we used to be. All I do is keep the beat of bad company. And all I do is kiss you.. through the bars of a rhyme. Juliet, I'd do the stars with you anytime." Once again, this belongs to Martin.

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley-- "Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to her kitchen chair, and she broke your throne and she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the hallelujah." When a man loves you, there is that moment when he decides to finally let go of his fears. Only then do you both get to taste freedom. John Charles named the kittens I left in a basket for him Sampson and Delilah. Indeed, Sampson lost in the end, but "love is not a victory march-- it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah". You can't "win" love; you can't control it-- you can only accept it. Courage is knowing that you can't love without losing a little part of yourself. But you also can't love without discovering new parts. Embrace your blues.

Borderline by Madonna-- "Finish what you start....Just try to understand, I'm giving all I can cause you've got the best of me. Borderline... feels like I'm going to lose my mind. You just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline." About all the insecurities and nonsense and jealousy and envy you tolerate and attempt to placate when you love someone. Put this one a few CDs for Bill. Love to dance alone in my room to this-- early Madonna makes me want to skip.

Breakdown by Tom Petty-- About looking someone in the eye and essentially saying, "Quit bullshitting. Lay it on the table. What do you want?"

Sign your name by Terence Trent D'Arby-- High school again. And again.

Friday, January 10, 2003

Because living is in the way we die...

And a good death requires just the right last-action-inducing soundtrack. Sometimes I think life would be simpler if it ran at Bond-speed, robbing us of the time for leisured contemplation. To jump from one corner to another, fueled by animal instinct-- to live at the end of a joy-stick. There's no point in living if you can't feel alive. If I can't have it all, then at least I can set the soundtrack for those who will.

1. The World Is Not Enough Garbage
2. Never Met a Girl Like You Before Edwyn Collins
3. Talk Show Host Radiohead
4. Everybody Knows Concrete Blonde
5. Witch The Cult
6. Real Cool World David Bowie
7. Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me U2
8. Goldeneye Tina Turner
9. History Repeating The Propellorheads
10. Strip tease Hawksley Workman
11. Break My Body Pixies
12. FraKtured King Crimson
13. She Moves On Paul Simon